GHOST IN YOUR HOUSE

I didn’t even break a sweat towards the end of our relationship, after I came off the pill, after we stopped having regular sex and I wanted to use every weapon to keep him away from my body. My ex-husband wouldn’t use a condom, I was too young and naïve to argue that point, But this night, he didn’t hear me, or ignored me or just lost it in the moment. We weren’t even undressed, just randomly untucked. He held my arms above my head. I knew it was wrong instantly. The moment it was over I pushed him off and ran for the bathroom to clean myself. Afterwards we laid there, him stroking my arms telling me it would be OK. March 1998: Growing Doubts I felt heavy and tired, my breasts were swelling larger, my nipples turning darker. Getting up in the morning was hardest. Settling down at night I felt strange. During the day I was struggling with constant claustrophobia, feeling dizzy, small and lost in crowds, desperate for space to suck air into my body. I started to feel sick, constantly nauseous but never bringing anything up. I couldn’t stand certain smells and odours, my mouth tasted funny, my body felt like all the stuffing had been knocked out of it. I was constantly struggling to stay away in the afternoon, yet sleeping soundly all night. I had never been so tired. I left the Advertising Agency quietly one Friday night. My department had been dissolved, my boss moved onto a new role at a new agency and I wasn’t offered a position. I was pushed into working in Account Management, working on Pontin’s Direct Mail, it was soul-destroying. I gave up the fight and left my job, taking the first job that I was offered in desperation to escape. He had disappeared again. I didn’t know what was happening to me and it was something I didn’t want to start facing up to alone. Normally when he disappeared, I gave up knowing that he’d turn up again. But this time I needed him, I couldn’t do this alone. I knew I needed to speak to him, I was confused and feeling like death.